“Going Live” By Fielding Edlow

Hey guys- this is Meadow Running Brook. I changed my name during quarantine so hiii, but I’m still Marcy on all my social platforms. OH except, I am M-Running-Brook on Venmo but stay tuned cause I might be switching to Zelle! I’m reinventing myself during this quarantine! So, this is my 5th Instagram LIVE today. I’m doing this again just cause I feel like a ton of my friends missed the last 4 and the truth is every time I post “About To Go LIVE” – literally everybody is like, “I hate you for doing this… why aren’t I doing this?” And I’m just like, you can. You can change the world. You just need the courage to put on some Lancome night-time mascara and press “live.”

Oh my God hi Desiree! Hi Max! Hi Piper! Oh wait- Piper! Where dja go? I’m sure it’s her internet connection. Piper? You back now? I’m sure she doesn’t want me saying this but Piper is quarantining in an abandoned plant nursery in Bakersfield PLUS she lost both of her texting fingers during a prolonged childhood bout with the good kind of diabetes.

I’m also going ‘LIVE’ today to celebrate because yesterday, I changed my Instagram profile to “public figure.” And I am self-publishing this poem LIVE right in front of you. Ready guys? Oh and please keep commenting so I know you’re there! (dramatic pause) I wrote a poem about old people getting into fistfights on YouTube and I wanted to share it with you.

Oh my God! FRED! My part-time shaman is here! Fred I love you. Do you want to come on right now as my guest? No. Okay. Sure? I DO respect your boundaries! I’ve always wanted to do a show with you Fred! We could be like the 21st century Smothers Brothers! Hi Zoe. Oh wait. Zoe- are you there? Zoeeeee come back! It must be spotty connection EVERYWHERE! By the way- just to let you guys know- virus safety is the most important message of this Instagram LIVE. Sometimes I wear my mouth mask, my eye mask and my invisible genital mask while I lie propped up on a few Bed, Bath & Beyond sale rack pillows while listening to Ram Dass and I chant-shout alongside with him; “We’re all just walking each other home.”

Oh my God- Mom! You’re on here! You should be in bed! Mom– good night- my Mom is so crazy. JK Mom! Sometimes I wish I could crawl back up inside you and visit that tiki bar of a womb!

Anyway, here’s my poem and the proceeds are all going to Chrissy Teigen’s cookware line. Let me explain. Because it was a really really tough decision between the essential workers, nurses and janitors at Elmhurst Hospital and Chrissy. But the truth is is that Chrissy Teigen has 12.5 million followers on her personal twitter. And she only has 47 thousand followers on her Cravings by Chrissy Teigen cookware line. We HAVE TO get those numbers up and dancing! Her breakthrough miso pasta! Her banana bread with little fun treats inside. Her quasi-alcoholic quarantine whimsy way of mothering while having ‘sex on the beach’ shots bubbling in the background! That’s a Mom we need to get behind and support! Chrissy Teigen is a modern-day Eleanor Roosevelt… that sturdy gender fluid lesbo rock star! Eleanor Roosevelt didn’t have Tik Tok! Eleanor Roosevelt didn’t have a pasta maker she pretended she created but was really from CB2. Eleanor Roosevelt didn’t have a twitter banner with her twinkling bosom and sun-kissed side bangs framing the tantalizing twitter banner!

Oh wait– sorry guys my Mom’s texting me right now. MOM! Go to bed! What? MOM! My pores are not big. What? They look like seder plates. It’s cause I have the iPhone 11 and it’s HD Mom! And YOU have the iPhone negative 20! LOG OFF MOM!!

Oh Piper’s back! Hey Piper! Ohhh. I got a frownie face from Piper? Ohhhh. Anyway my poem— here we go. Sorry… Piper was that frownie face about my Mom calling my pores humongous Passover platters or about…
Anyway- before I get to my poem, hello? Hello? Is anybody- um… I can’t see any “eyes” in the corner. Is there a new thing where you can “block” your “eyes?” Martha Graham talked about being an athlete of God so I am a pole vaulter of Influencers! Is anybody still there? Hello? Hello? I can also make up a haiku on the spot.

Chrissy bakes the world
Help people with 8 digits
Please follow me please

This article originally appeared on FieldingEdlow.com